Children With Challenging Behavior - Chapter 2 Section 1 Key to Quality Care
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C H A P T E R T W O relationships
Relationships are the foundation for every interaction with a child. Some experts say that learning of any kind for young children only takes place within relationships. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective
People
, Steven Covey writes about establishing an emotional bank with
people through positive interactions. Once this is done, you can “make withdrawals,” meaning you may focus on problems or ask for
something from the relationship.
1
Certainly, children must be emotionally connected to you before meaningful interactions are possible. Looking at key elements in relationships can make a difference
in each child’s long-term development. Section 1 the key to quality care
Real Life Story
Yesterday had been rough. Monique knew she had lost her patience too
quickly with Tanner. Although he still had difficult days, Tanner’s behavior
was improving. His mother’s shift schedule had changed again, which often
brought out Tanner’s aggressiveness. Monique was glad when Tanner was
the first to arrive. She invited him to sit next to her on the couch. “I’m sorry I lost my patience with you yesterday.” “Well, my mom said
that even teachers have bad days,” Tanner replied. Monique laughed.
relationships
35
chapter two relationships
“Well, what can we do differently next time?” she asked. “Maybe I can
hide when the other kids get ready to go home.” “Oh, I would be sad if
you hid every day,” said Monique. “What if you plan what you can do
when it is time to clean up?” “Okay,” said Tanner. “What could we plan?” Today looked better already. Monique and Tanner are able to reconnect with one another after
difficult interactions. They have developed a trusting relationship.
Trusting Relationships Though they should be a focus, relationships are often overlooked or
their importance is not completely understood. According to Zero to Three:
National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families, the key to quality care
is the quality of relationships between (1) the child and his family, (2) the
child and the early educator, (3) the early educator and the family, and (4)
adults in the setting. The Child and the Family
Children need to be fed when they are hungry, kept warm, and have
a safe place to sleep. They also need to play and have help calming
themselves when they are uncomfortable or upset. Most of all, children need
to feel safe, secure, and loved by their families. The family meets these initial
needs first. The parents’ relationship with their child is the most important
factor in supporting the child's development.
The Child and the Early Educator
Establishing relationships with children takes time. You can say and
do all of the “right” things to promote appropriate behavior, but if the
relationship with the child is new or your interactions are generally negative,
you may not be effective. Sometimes a child has characteristics or behaviors that interfere with
your ability to enjoy being with that child. In those cases, find something in
that child that you appreciate and focus on developing a positive
relationship. It is not necessary to like children equally in order to have a
36 relationships
positive relationship with them individually. Do you have a common interest
such as music, science or puzzles? Is there a time of day when it is easier to
build a relationship with this child, such as right after nap, or while reading
books? You must focus on each relationship, to feel connected to the child.
The Early Educator and the Family
A strong partnership between the early educator and the family
greatly benefits the child. Working together, the early educator and the
parents are able to focus on effectively promoting the child’s development
and learning through everyday activities. This quality relationship is formed
as a result of close communication. Because the early educator spends a great
deal of time with children, she often becomes an extension of each family. Of
course, for a relationship with a family to be authentic, it must be based on
respect and mutual support. This type of relationship develops over time.
Adults in the Setting
The relationships between adult staff members—early educators,
administrators, support staff—should be based on friendliness, respect, and
a shared philosophy about group care. If specialists work in the setting to
support children with disabilities or other special needs, it is also important
for adult staff members to develop relationships with them that promote
collaboration
Making Relationships a Priority
Paying attention to key relationships is
important. It helps establish the social-emotional
environment in your setting and models positive
behavior for young children. You have a
responsibility to communicate this central element of
quality to parents and commit to forming these
relationships.
To begin the process of developing a
relationship with a family, find ways to get to know
the family outside of parent-teacher conferences or
discussions about problems their child may be
having. Make home visits when a new child begins in
your program. Build in opportunities for informal
section one the key to quality care
37
“. . . find ways to get to know the family outside of the parent teacher
conferences or
discussions about
problems their child may be having.”
relationships
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interaction with parents at the beginning or end of the day or at special
events (field trips, potluck suppers, and so forth). It is not unusual to initially
shy away from families who speak a different language than you. Yet, it is
critical to find strategies for forming relationships with all families. The time spent building strong relationships with families is
worthwhile because it will result in care that is more in tune with each child’s
family. Additionally, when concerns or issues arise, you will already have an
established relationship in place from which to work. Time spent building
relationships among other staff members will also be time well spent. Positive
adult relationships contribute to a healthy social-emotional environment in
the your setting.
If building relationships is challenging for you, work to address the
issues. Consult the resources listed at the end of this section for additional
information.
chapter two relationships
38 relationships
Section 1 resources
Web Sites
Zero to Three
http://www.zerotothree.org
“Zero to Three is the nation's leading resource on the first three years of life.
We are a national non-profit charitable organization whose aim is to strengthen
and support families, practitioners, and communities to promote the healthy
development of babies and toddlers.”
Positive Discipline
http://www.positivediscipline.com
“Positive Discipline is dedicated to providing education and resources that
promote and encourage the ongoing development of life-skills and respectful
relationships in family, school, business, and community systems. This site
features information and articles from Jane Nelson, author of Positive
Discipline and other books.”
San Diego Association for the Education of Young Children (SDAEYC) http://www.sandiegoaeyc.org
SDAEYC has a Mental Health Focus Group and a “Stop Violence in the Lives
of Young Children” committee to address the importance of relationships for
those who care for young children. National Head Start Association (NHSA)
http://www.nhsa.org
NHSA’s article, “Enhancing the Mental Health of Young Children: How
educators can respond to children who have been affected by community
violence,” appeared in the Summer 2001 issue of Children and Families
magazine. Access it through their web site address at
http://www.nhsa.org/healthy/healthy%5Fviolence.htm/
Books
Brazelton, T.B. (1992). Touchpoints: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral
Development. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company.
Covey, S. (1990). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
New York, NY:
Simon and Schuster.
section one the key to quality care
39 relationships
Video
Reframing Discipline
. Educational Productions: 1-(800)-950-4949;
http://www.edpro.com
chapter two relationships
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Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1980). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and
Listen So Kids Will Talk
. New York, NY: Avon Books.
Nelsen, J. (1996). Positive Discipline
. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.
Nelsen, J. (2000). From Here to Serenity: Four Principles for
Understanding Who We Really Are
. Roseville, CA: Prima Publishing.
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