humans and romance

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Michigan State University *

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260

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Psychology

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Feb 20, 2024

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1 Navannah Jones Cep 260 Section 002 November 27, 2023 Romance and Humans Romance plays a vital role in everyone's life as it is a way to feel loved and cared for, it’s essential for our well-being. Finding someone who understands you, communicates well, loves you unconditionally, and treats you with respect is rare in today's fast-paced world. Therefore, it's crucial to be satisfied with and cherish your relationship. However, it's not uncommon for people to push away the person they like, even when they finally find them. But why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we self-sabotage a perfectly good relationship, especially when find- ing a romantic partner is challenging? Studies indicate that people tend to self-sabotage when it comes to the person, they like due to past traumas (Anwar, 2023). Self-sabotage is a coping mechanism that we use to protect ourselves from the perceived threat of emotional pain. How- ever, it can have negative consequences for our mental health, making us feel anxious, de- pressed, and lonely. To understand the reason behind self-sabotage in romance, we need to dive deep and learn what romantic self-sabotage means. To overcome self-sabotage, we need to focus on the main topics: what is romantic self-sabotaging, the relationship sabotage scale, the reason why we sabotage, and lastly attachment styles vs self-sabotaging. So, what is self-sabotage? Self-sabotaging is “The tendency to sabotage one’s perfor- mance to provide an excuse for possible failure ” (Weiten, pg. 178 ) But what is self-sabotaging when it comes to romance? Romantic self-sabotage is a pattern of behavior in which we under- mine our happiness in relationships by engaging in self-destructive behaviors such as jealousy,

2 insecurity, and mistrust. It can lead to a savage cycle of pushing away the people we care about and feeling lonely and unfulfilled, it is a cognitive strategy that is meant to protect themselves. “When an individual faces a situation that presents a threat to their self-concept, they might act to manipulate the outcome of events to guarantee self-protection” (Peel, Caltabiano, Buckby, and McBain, 2019). The authors of the article explained that when the event was over different at- tributes were made in the face of success and failure, so the person sabotaging is in a win-win situation either way. If they were faced with failure the individual could blame it on an external cause. Still, if they were faced with success the individual would highlight their ability to avoid sabotaging tendencies. There are many ways and root causes to self-sabotage seeing as everyone is unique in their own way. There are several reasons why someone may sabotage their relationship. “ Like many issues in relationships, self-sabotage can come from many causes, but it is often rooted in fear. Self-sabotage often stems from a need to stay safe and in control” (Courtney, 2021). First is the fear of getting hurt, most people who had trauma in past relationships fear being betrayed, loneliness, commitment, or being cheated on. Next is low self-esteem, “ When you think poorly of yourself, you don’t think you deserve a good relationship” (Courtney, 2021), most people who suffer from low self-esteem date people who treat them badly and find it hard that they are cared for. Childhood trauma and past relationships can cause individuals to experience trust issues, which can make it difficult for them to trust their partner. As a result, they may end the relation- ship prematurely because they don't believe their partner is trustworthy. Another common reason is having unrealistic expectations. When a small problem arises, some people may break off the relationship because their partner failed to meet their expectations. Inexperience in relationships is also a factor. Some individuals feel that they are unable to meet their partner's needs because

3 they are too immature or inexperienced. Therefore, they may end the relationship before their partner can discover their perceived incapability. A study found that emotional detachment was a common theme among couples. “ They may withdraw from the relationship, stop calling, or cease emotional/physical contact. Emotional detachment was a common theme throughout the study. They became more defensive and took every innocuous comment as a type of personal insult.” (STC, 2021). This detachment led to defensiveness and the tendency to take harmless comments as personal insults. It can result in a lack of authenticity in a relationship, which no one would want to experience. Couples who became emotionally detached often stopped sharing their lives and lied about their whereabouts and who they were with. “On the other hand, some people pushed their partners away by growing too clingy. They called too frequently, started fights over perceived slights, and got angry if their partner spent time with friends or family." (STC, 2021). This behavior would cause their partners to become dismissive, adding to the relationship's con- fusion and chaos. In an article, an online survey was conducted on individuals who have experienced trauma in past relationships. This study was built around a scale with 12 main themes: partner at- tack (e.g. lack of communication), partner pursuit (e.g. clinginess), partner withdrawal, defen- siveness, contempt, self-esteem issues, controlling tendency, lack of relationship skills, trust dif- ficulty, the destructive tendency (e.g. excessive drinking), attitudes to affairs, and relationship beliefs. These themes determine whether it’s the person's attitudes and behaviors that create sab- otaging habits or if it’s their attitudes and behaviors that explain how sabotage happens. The sur- vey consisted of questions about how the participants felt and behaved in relationships. Three studies were conducted using the survey to fill the needs of the sabotage scale. The first study was designed to pilot-test the list, the second study was aimed at refining the scale, and the third

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4 study examined the final structure to make it more reliable (Peel, Caltabiano, 2021). In the first study, out of 321 participants ages 15 to 80 years old, 31% of them claimed to have had an affair in their longest relationship which averaged 7.1 years, a total of 24% of the participants have sought romantic advice from a psychologist or a counselor. In the second study, out of 608 par- ticipants ages 17 to 80 years of age, 30% of them reported having an affair and 34.5% reported going to a psychologist or a counselor for issues in romantic relationships, this group averaged 8.6 years for their longest relationship. In the last study, out of 436 participants from ages 14 to 75 years of age, 21% of them reported having an affair, with their longest relationships being 5.68 years, and 23% of the participants reported seeing a psychologist or a counselor. After this information was provided, the scale provided information about patterns someone shows in a re- lationship. It provided explanations as to why someone engaged in destructive behaviors in their relationships. According to theorists’ adult romance and infant attachment share similar features, mean- ing adults and infants have similar attachments to people. The concept that romantic relation- ships may be an attachment relationship has had a significant impact on current research on close relationships. “Researchers who study attachment are keenly interested in the nature and devel- opment of, attachment styles or typical ways of interacting in close relationships” (Weitan, pg. 263). It has been found that some individuals are caught in a "vicious cycle” of self-sabotage. This cycle is based on two dimensions. First is the anxious attachment style then there is the avoidance attachment style. About 60% of people are believed to have a secure attachment style. “ Those who are anxiously attached expect, readily perceive, and overreact to the possibility of being rejected. While individuals in the second dimension typically define their level of comfort in a relationship with others as a function of intimacy and interdependence with others.” (Peel,

5 Caltabiano, 2021). The quality of adult relationships a person has may be influenced by the type of care they receive from their primary caregivers during childhood. “ a secure child tends to be- lieve that others will be there for him or her because previous experiences have led him or her to this conclusion.” (Fraley, 2018) Once a child has established certain assumptions about how rela- tionships should function, they are inclined to actively seek out and engage in interactions that align with those beliefs. Furthermore, the child may interpret the behavior of others through the lens of their pre-existing expectations. In a study conducted by Raquel Peel, she interviewed and surveyed over 600 participants, and discovered they all behaved in similar patterns also known as the four horsemen of the apoc- alypse. The behaviors known as the Four Horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. She concluded people do these to protect themselves. She asked her participants why they think they can’t maintain long-term relationships the answers were similar to “I am al- ways afraid it is not going to work out or I am going to get hurt.” Even though self-protection is the reason why someone self-sabotages, the actual causes of it are deep-rooted and complex. “I assumed that people in my relationships would eventually leave me, I also assumed that all my relationships would fail.” (Peel, 2019). These feelings of romantic doom cause people to end a relationship as soon as it gets a little difficult, People do this by using the four horsemen behav- iors. “Overall self-saboteurs hold insecure views of themselves, others, and relationships.” (Peel, 4:04). Having insight into who you are in a relationship, will allow your partner to get to know you better, and taking steps to break the pattern of sabotaging will become easier. A form of ro- mantic sabotage is entering relationships that you know are doomed, many relationships come our way but the ones that have potential are the ones someone should pursue. “The way out of this cycle is to find a safe haven in your partner to go to so we don’t have to protect ourselves.”

6 (Peel, 9:03). Early experiences can cause someone to protect themself, so when they get into a relationship it's hard to stop doing something they’ve been doing for so long. But if someone feels safe physically, and emotionally with the person they are dating then they can stop looking at a relationship as Love, something that can be broken, and start focusing on building a future together. In conclusion, based on what has been found in the research, people who self-sabotage have been through some kind of trauma in their past resulting in them assuming the relationship will end. This is a form of self-protection because the person who has experienced the trauma is scared to open up to their loved one. Even though it can hurt them, the anxiety from their trauma could ultimately result in self-destructive actions that harm or end romantic relationships. Al- though they get hurt either way, this is the only form of protection they feel they have. The rela- tionship sabotage scale can help us determine how our attitudes and behavior explain or create some of the 12 themes of self-sabotage in a relationship. It can help us recognize behavior pat- terns that harm our relationships and work on changing them. Long-term relationships require ef- fort and commitment, but it’s hard to commit to something that you believe won’t last. Self-sab- otage can prevent us from experiencing the joy and fulfillment of a healthy and loving relation- ship. By understanding why, we self-sabotage and taking steps to address it, we can build stronger and more fulfilling relationships with our partners. To overcome self-sabotage, it is nec- essary to identify the underlying cause of our behavior and take steps to address it. Even though it can be difficult to interrupt a cycle of self-destructive relationships, these habits can be identi- fied and altered. The research found that each situation followed similar patterns of self-sabotag- ing behavior. To break the cycle, self-awareness, sharing your feelings, and identifying triggers are key.

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7 References Anwar, B. (January 27, 2023) Self-sabotaging in a relationship: signs, causes, and how to stop it. talk space. Retrieved November 5, 2023 https://www.talkspace.com/blog/self-sabotaging-relationship/#:~:text=Fear%20of %20abandonment%20or%20intimacy,common%20in%20self%2Dsabotaging%20rela - tionships Balarezo, D. (May 16, 2019) What we sabotage romantic relationship – and what we can do about it. Ideas ted. retrieved November 5, 2023 https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-sabotage-romantic-relationships-and-what-we-can-do- about-it/ Courtney N., (June 16, 2021). Are You Self-Sabotaging Relationships? Here’s What to Do. The healthy. Retrieved November 27, 2023 https://www.thehealthy.com/family/relationships/self-sabotaging-relationships Fraley C., (2018). Adult attachment theory and research , University of Illinois, Retrieved November 27, 2023 http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm Peel, R., Caltabiano, N. (September 19, 2021) The Relationship Sabotage Scale: An Evaluation of Factor Analyses and Constructive Validity. BMC Psychol 9 , 146. Retrieved November 5, 2023 https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0 Peel, R., Caltabiano, N. (September 19, 2021) The relationship sabotage scale: an evaluation of factor analyses and constructive validity. BMC Psychol 9 , 146. Retrieved November 5, 2023 https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0 STC, (September 1, 2021) Why Do We Sabotage Healthy Relationships? Straight talk counseling . Retrieved November 5, 2023 https://www.straighttalkcounseling.org/post/why-do-we-sabotage-healthy-relationships Weiten, W., Dunn, D.S., Hammer, E.Y. (2018). Psychology Applied to Modern Life: Adjustment in the 21st Century (12th ed.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.

humans and romance

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