SpearR_MFT6105_A7

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When Sexual Needs and Expectations Among Partners Differ: Podcast Transcript Rachael Spear Northcentral University MFT6105 Couples and Sex Therapy Dr. Padjen 11/12/2023

When Sexual Needs and Expectations Among Partners Differ: Podcast Transcript Hello everyone, welcome to “Getting the Most Out of Your Relationship”. My name is Rachael Spear and I’m here to talk about sexual needs and expectations in relationships and how they may differ. I want to start off by saying that entering a new relationship or marriage can be an exciting experience, one full of joy and anticipation. As time goes by, we begin to recognize one another’s routines and preferences. When the subject of physical intimacy is first raised in a new relationship it usually comes at a time when both partners are experiencing feelings of closeness, even love and intimacy itself is enjoyable. Yet, in many relationships, differences in preference, expectations, and the level of desire occur. Often times, we will work to understand and accept our partner’s sexual differences because we genuinely love and respect our partners. However, there are times that a partner’s differing sexual preferences and expectations can alter the dynamics within the relationship, this change can become even more significant if these differences were ignored during the beginning of the relationship, and the happiness of the relationship can be affected. Differences that can affect a relationship can include:  A low sex drive.  A high sex drive.  A difference in sexual style.  Different intimacy desires  Difference in attachment styles.

Low Sex Drive Research indicates that more than two-third of married women are more likely to experience a decrease in sex drive while their male spouse is more likely to desire intimacy. This can cause annoyance, frustration, and hurt feelings (Hogue, et al., 2019). Clinically diagnosed as Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (FSIAD), female sexual dysfunction if defined as experiencing poor sexual desire and/or arousal accompanied by pain during intercourse that is not caused by another illness. In order for a woman to be diagnosed with FSIAD she must report at least three of the following symptoms:  A low level of sexual desire  A low level of sexual fantasies or thoughts  Decreased sexual initiation and receptivity  A decrease in sexual pleasure  And a lack of desire produced by sexual stimuli such as genital or non-genital sensations. These symptoms must be experienced for at least a period of six months. The first step of treatment for low desire and the distress that is associated with FSIAD is often the employment of Couples Therapy. However, there is little research stating the affect of couples therapy of FSIAD and how the relationship is affected (Hogue, et al., 2019). High Sex Drive One-third of relationships are thought to have differing feelings on sexual intimacy. When women seek sexual intimacy more often than men in the relationship it can affect the relationship negatively. This is due to the amounts of physical and emotional affection that are accompanied by the higher sex drive. Research indicates that when women have a higher sexual

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desire they display increased amounts of affection, including kissing, touching, and cuddling. This can cause confusion because the spouse may interpret these signs of affection for sexual desire at times that sexual desire is not present. This can create a weakening interest in sexual intimacy from the spouse (Hogue, et al., 2019). Sexual Styles Differences in sexual preferences can lead to issues within the relationship. There are several different sexual styles including complementary, conventional, best friend, and emotionally expressive. Because everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses it is important for us to recognize the style that best fits us. This can be done through therapeutic intervention (Buehler, 2010). Complementary Couple Sexual Style In the complementary couple sexual style, the intimate and sensual pathways are the primary focus. Male/Female equality is maintained, encouraging sexual intimacy, pleasure, and sensuality. Partners are encouraged to initiate, reciprocate, or decline sexual advances and alternative methods of intimacy are welcome. This sexual style emphasizes the acceptance of one’s own as well as one’s partner’s sexuality while respecting each other’s sexual voice (Buehler, 2010). Traditional Sexual Style The traditional sexual style emphasizes gender roles, with the male initiating sexual intimacy and frequency while the female’s role is to reciprocate. Sexual dialogue as well as negotiation are not required as this style’s focus is on each partner’s standards and duties. As a

result of the traditional sexual style’s emphasis on standard relational patterns there is often less sexual tension between partners and less drama within the relationship (Buehler, 2010). Best Friend Couple Sexual Style The best friend sexual style is considered to be the most intimate sexual style and is often referred to as the “soul mate” pairing. This sexual style emphasizes mutual strengths and connections and often meets the expectations of many couples as love and acceptance are revered and emotional intimacy as well as sexual pleasure is a shared experience. Nonetheless, this style may stifle romantic fulfillment and sexual desire within the relationship (Buehler, 2010). Emotionally Expressive Couple Sexual Style The emotionally expressive couple sexual style may be the most enjoyable and playful sexual style as there is an emphasis on sexiness and risk taking during sexual activity. Couples with this sexual style often have the feeling of liberation from conventional gender norms and are more likely to determine their own sexual standards including consensual non monogamy, love experimenting, and role-playing. Sex is therefore often used to resolve emotional conflict, to encourage risk-taking and experimentation, and to commemorate sexual preferences and passion (Buehler, 2010). Different Intimacy Desires There are times when couples in a relationship have different preferences in regard to intimacy, this can include emotional, intellectual, experiential, or even spiritual as well as sexual intimacy.

Differences in Attachment Styles There are times when relationships may fail due to unacknowledged differences in attachment styles. There are four attachment types:  Secure attachment which occurs when partners are able to communicate and meet each other’s needs,  Ambivalent-insecure attachment, also referred to as anxious-preoccupied or anxious attachment, is a highly dependent attachment style where partners frequently experience anxiety and low self-esteem or self-confidence. People with this attachment style desire an emotional connection with their partner but are afraid of possible rejection.  Avoidant-Dismissive Insecure attachment style is the opposite of the ambivalent- insecure attachment style wherein people with this attachment style are afraid of emotional connection and there prefer to not be relied on.  Fearful-avoidant attachment style, also referred to as disorganized/disoriented attachment style often leads to the belief that one is unworthy of love, affection, or intimacy within a relationship. This is frequently a result of childhood trauma, primarily in the form of abuse or neglect. (McCarthy and Ross, 2018; McCarthy and Ross, 2019) To summarize, there are many different circumstances where differences in sexual preferences, expectations, or the level of desire can impact intimate relationships. However, there are also ways in which couples can work through these differences to develop and maintain an enjoyable and loving relationship. For instance, communication could make one’s partner feel more comfortable and sexually satisfied. Paying more

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attention and focusing on a partner’s needs can also benefit an intimate relationship just as couples counseling can help couples to establish a safe space where they can discuss these differences and sole difficulties related to their relationship. Overall, there are always options when faced with these relationship differences, options that make it possible to work on and improve a relationship.

References Buehler, S. (2010). Review of Discovering your couple sexual style. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 36(3), 296-298. https://doi.org/10.1080/00926231003723816 Hogue, J. V., Rosen, N. O., Bockaj, A., Impett, E. A., & Muise, A. (2019). Sexual communal motivation in couples coping with low sexual interest/arousal: Associations with sexual well-being and sexual goals. PLoS ONE, 14 (7), 1–20. McCarthy B., & Ross L. W. (2018). Maintaining sexual desire and satisfaction in securely bonded couples. The Family Journal, 26 (2), 217-222. McCarthy, B., & Ross, L. W. (2019) Relational style and couple sexual style: Similar or different. The Family Journal , 27(3), 245-249.

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