The Beginning

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Monroe College *

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420

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Psychology

Date

Oct 30, 2023

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docx

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Uploaded by DeaconBravery7414

The Beginning Let’s start when my mind was classical conduction to become hypersexual. I remember when we had a black cable box and the channels for pornographic videos back in the early mid 90s. Hey I was born in 92. I was very interested in the women rubbing each other and scissoring one another. I used to hump this MiniMouse teddy bear when I was about six. We tend to not acknowledge that our behavior is caused by the things we have been exposed to as children. Let us now get back to when I was in first grade and this beautiful African American girl used to go under the table to give me kisses. I remember her round lips coming close to mind and my body feeling warm inside. I have officially sinned at the age of six that’s differently not holy spiritly of me. Now let us discuss my dislike towards men. Hey I was just ten years old when my uncle lived at my mum’s apartment, we had a three-bedroom apartment I shared a room with my two sisters. My uncle had the extra room by the front door. I remember when no one was at home, and he used to tell me put on these tight pink shorts that I used to wear to fun around. “SIT ON MY LAP” he will say “SIT ON MY LAP” in Spanish. Sientate aqui. Dominican slag is always less properly spoken. Let’s call him Tio Bob so he used to give me ten-dollar bills to sit on him for 5 mins at time so he can rub my ten-year-old

innocent buddy against his genital. After he will give me the ten bucks ill run into my room change and run outside. Truth is this is when I was expose to what women can do for money with their bodies. Now this is called a form of prostitution. Here let’s hit a rewind button and discuss I was born in Puerto Rico My mom had my sister at 15 then 16 then here I came at her 18 years of age. She left Puerto Rican when I was months old came back to the Bronx. I say this to inform you the traumas we have when we grow up in a single parent household. Me I didn’t know any better I also never craved men or had a desire for them because I was never exposed to what a man is in a household to a wife or women. My uncle molesting me or inappropriately touching me made me dislike older men. I have and still to this date will not date a man even 10 years older than me it gives me a level of disgust to me. I remember even telling my mother and she didn’t address the situation that’s when I started to believe the movies or television shows how family push everything under the rug. Thinking of it as of now she needed the extra rent money putting him out would have left her struggle with her four kids. I must have put her in a bad situation mentally but there is no excuse parenting is hard we do all we can to protect our cubs. Back to my hypersexuality after I was exposed to that I ended up having sexual relations with a woman at the age of 13, Yes, a woman she was 18 graduating high school at the time she knew better. Or should I start

thinking about what caused her to take advantage of my mind at such a young age. After her I started sleeping with every teen age girl, I laid eyes on Not my proudest moment in life. Also, at 13 I lost my virginity with this 16-year-old boy let’s call him J. He slept with me once we never spoke again, I went back to women two years later I was hanging with my best friend at the time Sunny I say sunny because sun is truly fire, she was like fire. We went to see my girlfriend Ana at the time then left Ana to meet boys. That night one boy 19-year-old brother raped me I cried, and he didn’t stop. My mother was incarcerated at the time my aunt had custody of us as foster care parent. She lived in my mother old section 8 apartment at the time. Her son my cousin he took me to the bathroom put his fingers in my vagina said let me check if you had sex. I was confused! After this he said” don’t tell anyone”. That’s when I knew this was something that made me uncomfortable. Months later I told my sisters and they said I am making it up. Couple weeks later he did it to one of my sisters. I laughed in my head like finally they can believe me. I have always been considered the impulsive unstable Crazy child. Hypersexuality is a learned behavior people with mental illness such as bipolar suffer from this because they do not know what’s going on with their emotions. Traumas

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Growing up without a father and a mother who has been incarcerated I have abandonment issues. This leads me to do toxic things for someone to leave me I push people away so it’s easier for me to cope with the pain instead of a random disappearance. I self-harm myself to deal with pain unspoken of. I can be abusive cruel and mean to people I love because the fear of them hurting me first scares me the most. You ever felt empty like what are the reasons that we don’t feel good enough. We all are good enough we just haven’t healed from the things that make us feel this way. My mother taught me to voice my disappointment with anger yelling and abuse. A form of bullying that traumatizes us to the point we become the one doing the abusing. The term is when the victim becomes the abuser. How I became the black sheep of the family The black sheep of the family we are misunderstood judged. Let us discuss we can be born into a narcissist family. Our traits come from the way we are raised and the things we have been exposed too How do I separate my traumas my behaviors to have a good relationship with my partner?

My partner feels unloved unappreciated how do I change my ways to comfort him. He is a strong man a provider a loving father. We all have flaws I need to learn how to forgive the people who have hurt me to trust him unconditionally and believe in my heart whole heartly that he wouldn’t do the same for you. I think he can push me to be a good wife an amazing mother. My flaw is I feel like everything he says is to make me feel bad about myself but again we go back to childhood trauma when you have a mother who was raising children since the age of 15. My mother did not know how to mother me which that caused me to grow up and have the same behavior, but I must build a positive mindset to change the way I react and deal with my emotions. I deserve love I am capable of it I need it I crave it. I want to love him unconditionally like he loves me. I do love him unconditionally I just don’t know how to show it the way he does. I just want to tell him Christopher, I love you. You are the most amazing man I have ever met. You push me to grow give strength to keep going. Your constructive criticism motives me to want to love you better every day. I want to thank you for accepting me and my son. You took me in when no one else would. I do appreciate you more than I physically and emotionally express. You are the missing piece that I never know I needed in my life. I am proud to be your girlfriend partner friend, one day we can be best friend I know that I have failed your trust, but I will forgive be committed and loyal to you I

wouldn’t betray you in that way ever. I am going to learn how to respect you as the King that you are. You are the best man I can ask for to love me I will do better. I write this here because expressing myself vocally sometimes comes off rude or I can’t really tell you what I feel in my heart. I wish to be your wife this will require me to work on myself like I have never but all my energy into my heart so I can give you the love you deserve. I promise you I will do that. Let’s talk about my triggers my triggers are sometimes I don’t feel so beautiful even though: I love women Matter fact let me rephrase that. My insecurities are that I don’t have anything to provide for my man right now and I know there are women doing better than I am. I am afraid one day he will give up on me while I am bettering myself and seek the person who is stable enough. I love myself physically My insecurities are that I haven’t fully reached my full potential and I know what I can provide I know who I am as a woman I need to rich my potential. I am afraid that he will seek someone who is at their full potential. How do I reach my potential, finish my degree work on my, self-esteem? Self-esteem

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Confidence in one’s own worth or abilities: self-respect. I must take time to think before acting too quickly I don’t have the funds to pay for therapy out of pocket, so I am writing down everything I feel. Some days I drink out of boredom. Other days I drink to avoid the feeling of me feeling like a failure. Days I feel I know I am failing as a parent but what else do I do to fix it? I think I should take parenting classes to better my parenting. I think I can be a better daughter. All I know is to feel hurt then attack back as a defense mechanism. Its immature and it needs to be handled. Today April 21, 2022 I have realized; I don’t feel loved by my mother and because of that My behavior to the ones who do love me isn’t correct. I need to learn to accept the love that is given. True real love is caring understanding respectful patient. My boyfriend taught me something he opened my eyes to this epiphany. He manifested something an awareness inside of me I can’t thank you enough. Treat people with kindness even your enemy’s The bible states something like this “Thessalonians 5:11 “THEREFORE ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER AND BUILD EACHOTHER UP JUST AS IN FACT YOU ARE DOING”

The bible is very empowering. After today I will humble myself with respect and honor, I will ask for help when I desire it with no pride because it takes a village and an army to conquer all. I am amazing I deserve to be loved I am worthy I will be successful I am a great friend I am a good woman I must be a better mother I must be a better girlfriend in order to become his wife I need to be more positive I shouldn’t let little conversation control my entire relationship. I NEED TO UNDERSTAND ITS MINOR ISSUES. The issue is my traumas aren’t me they don’t define me I define myself, change my thoughts react differently attract positivity around me. I am amazing. Somedays are harder than others today I fought with my boyfriend about a message well not message a comment he left on a woman’s tiktok because my beliefs of when a man is still open to commenting on other

women’s social platforms, he is open to the possibility of temptation and desires. Hey. I may be overreacting but when I first dated him, he texted a female that was in jail and dated her soon after we split up. I may say hurtful things I would never do, nor I would I even Pursue. I just realized I didn’t forgive him, and I must forgive him in order to move forward and have a healthy relationship the reason why I am so cut up on whoever he speaks to as a friend because the female he told me not to worry about he ended up with. Yes, I live with him now, I am supposed to feel secure but why is it I can’t shake of the thoughts of him possibly leaving me for one of his so- called friends. I know I am not perfect I am a beautiful imperfect woman who gets angered quickly who cares when she’s yelled at who breaks things when she is upset. I react like a teenager who has gotten her heart broken and has been abandon by the people she loved the most there’s no excuse for my behavior because my trauma doesn’t define me. It makes me who I am today and who I desire to be who I will be. I will accomplish everything I need to accomplish because with or without the man I want to spend my life with I have to be a good role model to my son. He must see me win he deserves to be proud of someone. Let’s discuss single parenting it is the hardest job God has designed for any of us even if its single mother or single father it is very difficult. I

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want to take this moment to acknowledge all the single parents doing the best they can for their children. As for as my situation goes my child father was a man well a boy i loved deeply and wanted to have a child with. Steven was charming, sweet very caring, He was super funny at the time, I was with a female for many years who change how accepted me in many forms she took me on dates weekly, Mind you we were only 15 -16 we broke up at the age of 19 but to be so young having funds to take me on dates is going above and beyond. I am talking outback steak out which for us at this age is probably ghetto how about more than 10 years ago that sure is fancy. I broke her heart ended up getting my karma with my child’s father at the age of 21 I had Steven JR so two years after spending 4 years with someone is devasting news for her. I remember my 23 birthday I cried so much I wrote her and all I wanted was for her to forgive me and she told me I needed to forgive myself. Later on, that year I let myself believe I can have a healthy family with my son’s father that was not nowhere near the case” K Michelle said it best “I can’t raise a man” My trust issues started then starting a family with a man who cannot be a father makes you believe that you aren’t good enough to have a family at all. A lot of women won’t admit this but it’s very much true our minds start believing the worse when we do not have the reassurance. My family always made feel bad about my parenting, I remember the ending of

2017 hitting 2018 was the worse year of my life 2017 I did something very impulsive I went to see a kid in Chicago that was a nightmare for me this man was on moly lied about his age and many other things. I remember he kept waving his Gun at me he had these dark black eyes like he did not care about anything in his life just a serial killer to me. He made me perform oral sex on him and record me saying he was fighting a rape case holding his gun on his lap. I did just that to avoid getting my life taken away. At that time, I was numbed and pretended everything was normal. This word is called surviving it’s very important to listen to someone when they say they are surviving in life. This general means they are dealing with something difficult, and they are unable express.