THE GOTTMAN METHOD AND INFIDELITY

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Northcentral University - Arizona *

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6105

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Psychology

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Dec 6, 2023

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THE GOTTMAN METHOD INFIDELITY ALANNA HORST NORTHCENTRAL UNIVERSITY MFT 6105 COUPLES AND SEX THERAPY DR. SERVINO MAY 29, 2022

GOTTMAN - INFIDELITY • This presentation is meant to include the following and more. • A discussion on cheating • The Why behind an affair • Challenges individuals in a relationship face following/during non-consensual outside of a committed relationship intimacy. • A conversation on the Gottman Approach regarding an affair. • How Gottman’s theories apply and work with cheating couples. • Gottman ideas or tricks that can help therapists that deal with partnerships. • A way that would permit individuals to understand their own prejudice or response to around adultery.

INFIDELITY • According to Girard et al. (2020) infidelity is also known as extradyadic involvement (EDI). • Girard et al. (2020) also state that infidelity is the primary reason couples divorce. • Girard et al. (2020) suggest that between 1994-2014 infidelity was reported as the reason to engage in treatment by 50-60% couples.

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WHY CHEAT? • Girard et al. (2020) suggest that there are many reasons someone in a relationship may cheat those include but are not limited to: • Managing the feeling of being overwhelmed • To keep from being left • Low self-esteem • Feeling unloved • Feeling ignored • Thinking the amount of intimacy is not substantial • Lack of belief • Lack of emotional support

BEFORE AND AFTER THE HURT Valdorale-Griffin (2019) states partners establish interpersonal habits and direct and indirect standards for expressing and resolving disagreement; those standards and expectations change and grow and are strengthened by the replies of their companions. Valdorale-Griffin (2019) suggests negative, and good encounters have the potential to either strengthen or weaken a connection. Valdorale-Griffin (2019) offers one challenge when a break of trust occurs; it can change the basic conversation and the way the couple sees one another. •

GOTTMAN APPROACH AND INFIDELITY Gottman et al. (2017) describe ways to deal with couples struggling with an affair as follows: • By promoting affection and reconnection • Helping to create limitations for the home • Ensuring the perpetrator of infidelity ENDS the affair

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ADD IN THE ROMANCE Lueanpaseuth (2022) suggests using some of Gottman’s questions to begin the conversation about sex after infidelity: • What parts of your body do you prefer me to focus attention on? • Which portion of my body is your preferred choice? • What part of your body do you prefer to be caressed and stroked much more? • Would you be open to experimenting with adult toys? • Give me the specifics on how you want me to use foreplay? • Which of the following positions is your top choice? • What imaginative desire makes you excited? • When was the last time you engaged in self-pleasure? • What drives you crazy in bed, right away?

TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES • G oldberg (2017) cites using the appreciation and affection system • Goldberg (2017) also mentions Adoration Directions • Valdorale-Griffin (2019) states using imagination within arguments • Valdorale-Griffin (2019) also suggests logging expectations • Valdorale-Griffin (2019) also mentions beginning delicately

FOUR HORSEMEN Goldberg (2017) note the four horsemen include: • Condemn • Safeguarding • Disdain • Removing and remaining silent Goldberg (2017) states in order to address these negative feelings and actions there must be opposite treatment.

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TOOLS FOR THERAPIST AND TO CONSIDER BIAS • Goldberg (2017) suggests remaining professional and allow the client to find ways to help themselves relax, a therapist cannot do this for the client. • Valdorale-Griffin (2019) identifies the therapist is only to be a mentor, train and support the client and provide them the information to attain skills. • Goldberg (2017) states remember that just because one intervention works for one couple does not mean that it will work for the next. * If necessary talk to supervisors, colleagues to address emotions related to cheating.

REFERENCES Girard, A., Connor, J. J., & Wooley, S. R. (2020). An exploratory study of the role of infidelity typologies in predicting attachment anxiety and avoidance. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy , 46 (1) 124-134. https://doi.10.1111/jmft.12371 Goldberg, R. (2017). Gottman method couples therapy. In J. Carlson & S. Dermer (Eds.), The sage encyclopedia of marriage, family, and couples counseling . 2, 744-748. SAGE Publications, Inc. Gottman, J., Gottman, J., & McNulty, M. A. (2017). The role of trust and commitment in love relationships. In J. Fitzgerald (Ed.), Foundations for couples’ therapy: Research for the real world. 438-441. Taylor and Francis. https://books.google.com/books?GottmanandInfidelity/ Losey, B. (2021). Managing the aftermath of infidelity: A sequential guide for therapists and couples. 1-14. Taylor and Francis https://books.google.com/books?Managing_the_Aftermath_of_Infidelity/

REFERENCES CONTINUED Lueanpaseuth, B. (2022) What to do after an affair. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-do-after-an-affair / Merriam-Webster (n.d.) Infidelity. Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/infidelity/ Oxford (2022). Oxford Languages. Oxford University Press. https://languagesoup.com-dictionary-en/ Rajendrakumar, J. (2022). How do affairs happen? The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-do-affairs-happen / Valdorale-Griffin, A. (2019). Gottman Method Couples Therapy. In D. Adamson & Y. Watters ( Eds.), An Introduction to MFT systems theory and foundational models.

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