Summary: Part I: In the Beginning Was the Word [How I Feel About Attention — Feeling Myself]

Xiomara expected 10th grade to be better than 9th, but so far it’s “a damn mess.” Boys harass her, and she wishes she could hide, even though the attention excites her a bit. She says that if Medusa were Dominican, she’d be her daughter. She feels like a myth to be conquered.

Xiomara, Twin, and Caridad attend a basketball tournament. Xiomara and Twin watch the players, and one accuses Xiomara of staring. Xiomara gets in his face and tells him he couldn’t handle her since he “couldn’t even handle the ball.” She feels like she should be used to the attention because it happens everywhere. After the encounter, Xiomara listens to Drake and writes in her notebook. When Twin asks if she is OK, she both loves and hates him. She is disappointed that he doesn’t stand up for her.

At church, Xiomara stares at a pillar so she doesn’t have to look at art featuring Jesus or the saints. Church feels like a prison. Xiomara refuses to go to Communion, something she’s never done before. She wonders why she should be thankful for her life if her life isn’t her own. She used to love Mass as a child, but now Father Sean’s sermons about how girls should behave make her feel small. Mami is furious that Xiomara refused Communion. Later, Xiomara overhears Mami and Papi talking, and Mami accuses Papi of passing on his “devils.” Papi says it’s just her age. Mami forces Xiomara to go to daily Mass every day the following week, but Xiomara spits the Communion wafer into her hand each night.

Papi, it’s now revealed, used to be a “mujerie go,” a womanizer. It’s rumored that Papi was infertile, and that’s why he gave women so much attention. People say Twin and Xiomara “saved him,” and he no longer dances like he used to. Xiomara says that Papi may live with her, but he’s really absent.

At school, Xiomara learns about a spoken word poetry club, but it meets during confirmation class and she knows Mami will never let her go. Still, she puts the flyer in her backpack and feels flutters in her chest. In biology class, Xiomara is paired with a quiet boy named Aman. Their arms rest together; Xiomara feels like something has changed. She talks to Caridad, who tells her she shouldn’t lust. Caridad tells her she’s trying to protect Xiomara from herself.

Twin unfolds the poetry club poster and leaves it on Xiomara’s bed. He tells her the world’s been waiting to hear her, but Xiomara tears it up before Mami sees it. Twin and Xiomara share everything, including their room. Xiomara wonders if people are like goldfish, who only grow to the size of their tank. The next day, Xiomara asks Ms. Galiano about poetry club. In class, the teacher shows a video of a woman doing spoken word poetry, and Xiomara feels like the woman is speaking directly to her. The poem felt like a gift. Still, she thinks Ms. Galiano must be out of her mind if she believes Xiomara is going to perform like that. That night, Xiomara recites a poem. When Mami hears, she tells Mami she’s reciting verses.

Aman and Xiomara talk about music in biology class. Aman suggests they listen to Kendrick Lamar together. Xiomara loves listening to rappers share about “all the things that hurt them” and spends time on the computer at home streaming music, which helps her escape. She wonders if Papi stopped listening to music because it “can make your body want to rebel. To speak up.” She tells Aman, “Maybe. I’ll let you know.” She dreams about kissing Aman and can’t look him in the face the next day. She tells him she’d love to listen to music with him. Aman agrees, and Xiomara tells herself it’s a “non-date.” Mami’s rules say she can’t date until she’s married and can’t have a boyfriend until she’s done with college. Still, she can’t wait to go to the park with Aman. She waits for Twin or Mami to catch on to her plan, but no one says anything.

Analysis: Part I: In the Beginning Was the Word [How I Feel About Attention — Feeling Myself]

After Xiomara’s year starts out with the familiar taunting and harassment from boys, she casts herself as a myth—Medusa’s daughter. Greek mythology describes Medusa as a monster with snakes for hair who can turn people to stone with her gaze. Thus, Xiomara is describing herself as sharing Medusa’s dangerous beauty. The person that the outside world sees isn’t the same person she is internally, and only her poetry notebook knows the real Xiomara.

This section of the text begins to develop the tension between Xiomara’s beliefs and the religion she is expected to follow. She feels imprisoned by all aspects of church, particularly the pressure Mami places on her to be pious and good. To her, church represents the society that blames her for causing men to lust. Xiomara’s coming-of-age manifests in a rejection of all aspects of religion: her refusal to take Communion and her later decision to spit out the wafer are symbolic of her rejecting Mami’s and the church’s rules. However, with this comes Xiomara’s feeling of being lost and alone, and not even Twin really understands. She compares their shared room to a goldfish tank to emphasize her need to move beyond her current, stifling situation.

The introduction of the poetry club is a major turning point. It introduces the idea that, for Xiomara, words are powerful. The club competes with religion since it meets at the same time as confirmation class, but for Xiomara, one represents freedom while the other represents oppression. Just the idea of sharing her poetry excites something inside of her. For the first time, reciting a poem out loud in her room, Xiomara allows her body to take up as much space as it needs. Language is beginning to become a vehicle for self-acceptance for Xiomara; her new self-awareness is heightened when she meets Aman, who is different from the boys who catcall and harass her. He is quiet yet open. The experience of resting their arms together is so different from the unwanted physicality Xiomara is used to from boys who snap her bra or grope her. This develops an awakening within Xiomara that challenges the shame she feels about her sexuality.