Book Report (1)

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455

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Philosophy

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Oct 30, 2023

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1 Book Report Liberty University FACS 455: Families Under Stress April 27, 2023

2 Summary Loving Your Parents When They Can No Longer Love You guides the reader through the arduous duty of a caregiver and warns about some difficult situations they may encounter, such as legal and financial decisions, addressing unfinished business, and much more. This book dives into the reality that aging parents who have Alzheimer's or other mental and health disorders are unable to express affection towards you in the same way they formerly did. Hargrave also reveals how to deal with family trauma or unsettled business during this period of their lives. This not only asks, "How do you love your parents when they can no longer love you?" but also can potentially raise the difficult question, "How do you love your parents if they never loved you well?" Controversially the author also devotes an entire chapter to discussing the inevitable death of a parent. This not only looks at some difficult decisions that might have to be made but also teaches us how to help an elderly parent die well. This is all just a glimpse at what this book entails as there are many important topics explored throughout the entirety of this book. Whether it is repairing broken relationships, setting boundaries, delegating roles with siblings, or preparing end-of-life care, the author acknowledges that all of these responsibilities of the caregiver can be a daunting and wearisome task. He not only acknowledges the different hardships a caregiver may face but he then also goes on to provide guidance and Biblical advice for dealing with such things. "It is a service and sacrifice for which we see very little --- maybe even nothing. Caregiving for an older person is purely about servanthood" (21). Hargrave portrays the message that through caring for the aged, we are caring for our own souls too. Potential Issues and Challenges

3 In this stage of life, the roles in the family dynamic may shift and how this may affect the relationship of the parents and children tends to be a cause for concern. There are a large number of potential issues and challenges that can occur and cause tension during this role shift such as accepting the role of caregiver, dealing with a parent's illness and medical decisions, as well as taking on financial and legal issues. Taking on the responsibility of becoming a parent’s caregiver is a significant undertaking. For those whose parents are in the earlier beginning stages of decline, Hargrave provides a simple chart, called the "Instrumental Activities of Daily Living and Activities of Daily Living," which allows adult children to estimate how much care their parents need. Once it is determined that some type of assistance must be provided, he discusses the four possible responses of an aging parent. The "make lemonade" type makes caring enjoyable; the "pretend it's not happening" type insists they do not need assistance; the "poor pitiful me" type acts completely helpless; and the "whatever" type is inactive and possibly depressed. Hargrave provides advice on how to respond to each type with compassion as you and your parent make this transition. Not only is the adult child now responsible for assessing these needs of their parents but at the same time, if they have siblings, they are also sorting out who will be the primary caregiver and how the others will provide support. This process is unique to every family and can be accomplished easily or cause potential fights amongst family members if these things cannot be mutually agreed upon. This can especially happen if there is no early preparation where the parent can still give their input. In scenarios where the elderly parents rapidly declined with little to no warning, there can be a lot of tension among other members of the family when trying to sort out these details.

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4 Things do not necessarily get easier after a caregiver is established, after this is often when the medical decisions start needing to be made. More now than ever before, people are living longer but their bodies still continue to deteriorate as they age. This means caregiving as a whole is shifting from what it used to look like in previous generations. Every aspect of an older person’s physical being become less keen as they age and the way they see and interact with the world around them changes drastically. Dementia and Alzheimer's disease, in particular, present some of the most devastating challenges caregivers have to face. "No one can quite describe the pain of having your parent, who has loved you with all of his or her heart, look at you and not have the slightest idea who you are,” says Hargrave, “It is a slow, excruciating grief, something like pulling off an enormous Band-Aid wrapped around your heart --- but you don't get it yanked off quickly with one sharp pain; rather, it gets pulled off slowly and painfully over many years" (140). Ultimately, regardless of which health issues arise, caregivers will need to assess the needs of the aging parent, analyze the available resources and services, and learn to balance the ideals of altruism, responsibility, and consistency. Another big obstacle for the caregiver is finances since the adult child must now be the one to open up discussions about finances while also avoiding arguments and avoiding abuse of family funds by ill-intentioned siblings. It is pertinent to talk with one’s parents about their finances and make a plan before it’s too late. These kinds of conversations mainly focus on how the parent would like their finances handled during their care and after they pass. Along with that, to avoid serious familial and legal issues, it is also important to educate oneself on the different mechanisms that would allow the adult child to legally have financial control whether it be through guardianship, power of attorney, or the parent’s will. This topic, although uncomfortable at first, is extremely important to discuss and plan for.

5 Application Two main notions really stuck out that I believe are very important to keep in mind and implement in the future; the importance of balancing the act of caregiving and incorporating it into your already established life and the significance of humility and sacrifice in caregiving. If you are put in the position to assume the role of caregiver more likely than not you already have an entire life established and did not originally consider the task of aiding in the caregiving process. This is something I saw in my own family when my Grandpa developed dementia. Grandma became his caregiver but was far too old to take it all on herself which meant my mom and all of her siblings had to help even though all of them already had their own jobs, families, and homes in different states. It was important for each member of the family to see themselves as a puzzle piece in the caregiving process. It did not have to be any one person’s job but properly caring for Grandpa could not be accomplished without each piece of the puzzle. Something Hargrave wrote that was so important was, “I’ve only just begun to learn about humility and the power that love has to change my heart. My heart does not change because she loves me; it changes because I love her. The gift of weakness, humility, and sacrifice is the gold we must seek” (34). The application of this insight is crucial in order to become a Christ-like caregiver in the future. Caregiving is a sacrifice but it is a humble sacrifice that the Lord has called us to. This book was packed full of knowledge, each chapter filled with something important to note. It not only gives important facts that many might not know or have considered, but it also beautifully integrates Biblical truth. Because of this, I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is facing any of these issues in their own life or within their role as a caregiver.